Monday, October 20, 2003

2:23am and another sleepless night. There is that strange need to sit down and listen to someone. To share in someone's life. To unload someone's pain. Odd how most of the time i am perfectly fine living in my own world and sometimes the need for human contact is over-whelming. The need to understand how another human being feels . The need for another voice.

Sometimes, I just want to sit near a person and absorb myself in another person's life. To appreciate that person's existence. Not so much that I want to solve their problem or save the world, but I would like to for a brief 15 minutes be a part of his or her world - to understand the motives, the pains, the fears, and the dreams. Everyone lives on the same physical planet, but almost everyone lives on a different plane of existence. Occasionally, I just like to dip in and see how the world looks like through another person's glass. And for that brief moment I am filled with their sense of purpose and forget my lack of direction.

Sometimes, if they ask for help or solution, I try to offer it. But I have learned that you can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved. Sadly, I also came to the conclusion that the world itself doesn't want to be saved. No one wants to admit that they are broken, sometimes an offer of help can be offensive. I was taught that the hard way. Gradually I learned to just listen and not help needlessly. In the long run, a person has to help himself. Excessive help only weakens a person. Yet, it is hard not to extend a hand. I still don't know the fine line between helping and weakening. Listening never seems to hurt though.

Maybe the need to understand other people is a plea to understand myself. I don't understand myself at all and yet I can't stop questioning - why am I? who am I? Whence I came from and where is my destination? Maybe I am trying to find a world that somewhat resembles mine. Maybe I am trying to find a person with a similar background and outlook so I can tell that person how I feel. Who knows? Sitting here staring out into space is not helping the situation. 3:19am and another sleepless night. I should get some sleep so that i might be good for something tomorrow.


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