Sunday, July 31, 2005


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Saturday, June 18, 2005

1:49 am - another sleepless night. History do seem to repeat itself with or without fore-knowledge. Maybe we are who we are and nothing more, maybe real change occurs only as often as snow in summer, maybe we are all just walking in circle and no one notices it because the loop is so damn big.

Lately I have more odd thoughts again. More and more I am convinced that the future is no more flexible than the past. We look behind us and see what has been, the past is carved in stone and it is the foundation in which we draw our future against. It makes a good foundation because it dose not change, the events are tied by a string of actions already accomplish and by its chronology we devised a system of unit called time to keep track of those actions.

You see, the only seperation of past and future is nothing more than a point of view. We place ourselves and define our viewpoint (present) as the focal point - to the left hand we have the known; to the right hand we have the unknown. However, simply because it is unknown does not mean it is prone to change. We seem to have define the future movable due to our inability to glimpse its true face.

Since the furture is dependent upon the present and the future is dependent upon the past - which the past is fixed, I argue that the present must also therefore be fixed. If the present is fixed then the future must also be fixed.

[1/infinity] second from the past, we step into the present. The present decision is tied to the past that has been fixed. I may think I have chose to take this breath, to walk this step, or to speak this word, but in reality those choices were already inevitable due to my previous actions. What we perceive as free well is nothing more than a domino effect of world interaction. I took this breath at this precise time because I took my last breath 2 seconds ago and my body condition which was formed over the last 24 made this breath the conclusion. Whether I would take this breath or not at this precise time of 6/82005 2:10:22 was already determined at the time I was born - as I took my first breath. Even further, when I took my first breath of life was determined when my mother had me, and when my mother decided to have me was determine when she first met my dad.

The things that we consider variables were simply missing data. You may ask, how could you be sure that my mother would have definitely get together with my father, or that maybe my birth wasn't planned, or that why any of these matters. The calculation of whether I would have taken a breath at 6/82005 2:10:22 requires an enormous but finite amount of unknown, but which as the past comes closer to the intersection of present - the unknown decreases more and more.

So either more time amounts to more free will which makes no sense, because free will is a state of mind independent of time, or my argument that fate is predetermined is right. However, even though we don't personally control the outcome of the world or even our lives, the responsibility of the action is still ours, because even though the outcome of the event is already known to someone who has all the data and computation power, to the person who is less wise (us) the future is not set. Our sense of control and choice is nothing but ignorance. Yet, out of that sense of free will, we still need to take the responsibility because to us those choices are very real and self determined.

I wish I can express my thought more clearly. This idea came from a simple seed - A "Matter" of Time. The Matter in which time are made of is the same, the past is made of the same matter as the present and as the future. Point of view may slow or speed up time but it will not change that matter fundamentally. That fundamental fact is easy to observe in a set of time, which is the past. The past action which has occurred does not change. I argue that the future has already happened, it is a road which has already been build, we the observers simply haven't traveled upon that road yet. Action depends upon action depends upon action. What you might call spontaneous and unpredictable is simply an event effected by data which was not known to us. Since all actions and data that affect the present is unchangeable (past), the present must also be unchangeable; since future is a product of the present, the future must also be set in stone.

2:33am. Another sleepless night - another crazy thought

another idea, maybe free will is just god's random string. In a computer that is clear and logical, randomness has to be emulated. Equations involving irrational number is usually involved to make a pseudo random number. Yet in reality it is not really random, look at it long enough and you will see the pattern. Maybe the universe is too logical and God made us to spice things up. After all what else would an all powerful all knowing being want? I would argue he/she/it would like some excitement and unknown. A little randomness to life - us. Maybe that is where free will comes from, our inability to change the future and yet the ability to believe we are in charge - pseudo random number; our free will.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Took the MTV Real World Personality Test

Your Real World Type: The All-American Guy

Your Official Real World Bio:
On the track of the all-American golden boy, Albert is blessed with handsome good looks and the charm of an old movie star. Hailing from Chicago, IL, Albert seems to attract the attention of every girl when he walks in to a room. Aside from his great body, his natural charisma seems to have girls flocking to him no matter where he goes. Albert makes friends easily and usually acts as the peacemaker in his circle of friends and family. He's far from just another handsome face--Albert is a man of integrity, intelligence and complexity.
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Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Identify With: Ace

Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Hook Up With: Mallory

Paris Cast Member Most Likely to Fight With: Fight? Unthinkable!

Took the biological Molecule test [Which Biological Molecule Are You?]

You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Took the personality test

I am INFJ...


Took a couple IQ tests
I seem to be consistently hovering at 130...


Took the empathy test
Your EQ score is 54

52-63 = You have an above average ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately. You know hoe to treat people with acer and sensitivity. On average, most women score about 47 and men about 42.


Took the Systemizing Quotient Test
Your SQ score is 30

20-39 = You have an average ability for analysing and exploring a system. Systemizing is the drive to analyse and explore a system, to extract underlying rules that govern the behaviour of a system; and the drive to construct systems. On average women score about 24 and men score about 30.

The Bem Sx-Role Inventory: Are you Androgynous?
seems yes, i am androgynous

What type of soul do you have?
I have an "Artistic Soul"
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent. Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

My Inner child is 10 years old
The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost in a good book, or giggling with my best friend, I live in a world apart, one full of adventure and wonder and other stuff adults don't understand.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003


Sunday, November 02, 2003

Hello World!

Monday, October 20, 2003

2:23am and another sleepless night. There is that strange need to sit down and listen to someone. To share in someone's life. To unload someone's pain. Odd how most of the time i am perfectly fine living in my own world and sometimes the need for human contact is over-whelming. The need to understand how another human being feels . The need for another voice.

Sometimes, I just want to sit near a person and absorb myself in another person's life. To appreciate that person's existence. Not so much that I want to solve their problem or save the world, but I would like to for a brief 15 minutes be a part of his or her world - to understand the motives, the pains, the fears, and the dreams. Everyone lives on the same physical planet, but almost everyone lives on a different plane of existence. Occasionally, I just like to dip in and see how the world looks like through another person's glass. And for that brief moment I am filled with their sense of purpose and forget my lack of direction.

Sometimes, if they ask for help or solution, I try to offer it. But I have learned that you can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved. Sadly, I also came to the conclusion that the world itself doesn't want to be saved. No one wants to admit that they are broken, sometimes an offer of help can be offensive. I was taught that the hard way. Gradually I learned to just listen and not help needlessly. In the long run, a person has to help himself. Excessive help only weakens a person. Yet, it is hard not to extend a hand. I still don't know the fine line between helping and weakening. Listening never seems to hurt though.

Maybe the need to understand other people is a plea to understand myself. I don't understand myself at all and yet I can't stop questioning - why am I? who am I? Whence I came from and where is my destination? Maybe I am trying to find a world that somewhat resembles mine. Maybe I am trying to find a person with a similar background and outlook so I can tell that person how I feel. Who knows? Sitting here staring out into space is not helping the situation. 3:19am and another sleepless night. I should get some sleep so that i might be good for something tomorrow.

Friday, October 17, 2003

I look over on the calender and it marks an oridinary Thursday. Like majority of the 365 days, today is nothing special. It is not a holiday, or my friend's birthday, or even a weekend. - Just your average day in an average life.

But today marks a new beginning; Today is a day of change; Today is the day i picked to start my life over. I don't want to look back 22 years from now and question, "What have I done with my life?" and i don't want to wait for new year's eve to change. After all, I waited 22 years now and it is time to wake up from this pleasent but surreal dream. It is nice to have dreams, but having not act on your dreams they simply melt away.

I would like to wake up and make my dream come true, so that other people may share in the beauty of my simple vision. Sacrifices has to be made and I won't get to do simply what i enjoy. Yet, I hope, in times of crisis I can look back at the blog and remember this moment of quiet determination. Here I stand my ground and I wish to make something of myself, and I wish to dream the waking dream. The best thing in the world is to have someone believe in you compeletly and then live up to that expectation. This is step one, and I am saying, "I beleive in myself"

Now go to class, and be productive.